Read this one through, it's good.
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a
"pocket Taser" for their anniversary.
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn
Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our
22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across
was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The
effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived,
with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....
WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it
home. I loaded two triple A batteries in the darn
thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the
same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity
darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that
burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking
to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only
two triple-a batteries,. right?!!!
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading
the directions and thinking that I really needed to
try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I
must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a
fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is
such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this
thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger,
I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top
with my reading glasses perched delicately on the
bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser in
another. The directions said that a one-second burst
would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second
burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major
loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would
purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground
like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three
seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device
measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two
itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries, thinking to myself,
"no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but
I'll do my best.....I'm sitting there alone, Gracie
looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say,
"don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt
all that bad.. I decided to give myself a one-second
burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to
my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER,
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$@$%!@ *!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side
door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed
us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I
vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet,
both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found,
with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was
standing over me making meowing sounds I had never
heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to
herself, "do it again, do it again!"
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself
with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such
thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You
will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the
floor. A three second burst would be considered
conservative.
SON-OF-A-.. that hurt like he**!!! A minute or so
later (I can't be sure,as time was a relative thing at
that point), collected my wits (what little I had
left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.
How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh
and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt
like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom
lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my
testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their
safe return.
Still in shock,
Tommy
